Sunny days are ahead...

I looked outside today and thought to myself that there are sunny days ahead.  As I began to think about all of the damage that had been done to my life over the course of the storm and how most of the mess had been cleaned up, it all starts to look a little better.  Day after day, whether it is sunny or cloudy, I can see a little bit clearer.  Perhaps, this was the plan for my life.  Perhaps, this was how things were supposed to be and, maybe perhaps there was something that I was to learn from all of this.  True, it would be easy for me to sit in a swivel chair and blame him for all of the massive destruction that was done to my life, but it is in fact, my life...  As I was looking out at the trees that were knocked down, the dents in my car, the small broken pieces of glass from the broken window, I realized that there was so much of me that depended on him.  Why?  I ask myself why, and I come up with nothing.  Could it be that I was so wrapped up in him and living this false sense of what love was that I forgot to take care of myself in the process?  Could it really be that the fact that I am still here standing, alone now, trying to figure out my next move in this mixed up world is partially my fault?  Well, if it isn't who is to blame and how can I ever imagine moving on from where this storm just took me?

So I say yes to all of it.  I no longer blame him.  I no longer blame him for my suffering and my hurt and pain.  I no longer blame him for the confusion of why and how all of these forces of wind came together to destroy what was my life with him.  No, I no longer blame him.  I blame me!  It is my fault for not looking out for myself and not asking the obvious questions.  It is my fault for not trusting my own instinct.  It was my fault for believing his lies, even when I had the evidence in a plastic bag, lying in my own hands.  I sometimes sit in disgust, because I know it is my fault.  I mean, what female wouldn't be even the slightest repulsed knowing what I know now and knowing that a different direction could have been taken a long time ago? 

I guess the beauty now is that I no longer have to worry.  As I continue to gaze out at what appears to be a very quiet and still day, where nothing in nature is moving...I can't help but realize just how beautiful it is.  What once was yelling and arguing and stupidity is now silence in the background.  And my face cracks a smile.  As the sun barely sneaks out behind the thick layers of clouds in the sky, I am confident that there are sunny days ahead.  There is going to be light that shines on my face and the warmth will bring a moment of contentment and joy to my life.  Everyday now is a glimpse of where I once was, but a runway of where I am going.  It's beautiful and peaceful...  I know there are sunny days ahead, because I am already standing here...in the sun.