The past month has been so interesting for me. Just when I think I have everything figured out, God always seems to surprise me and blindsides me. My husband and I have been going through this divorce process for such a long time now. It has not been pretty. He and I have been through so much as a couple, that it just seems like we could never catch a break. We have had several arguments, times when I thought we were going to kill each other, and several times that we just didn't see eye to eye. Throughout it all, we have had one thing in common and that is the love for our children and each other. We have been here several times before...just when I think we are done and I am ready to move on with my life, he has a change of heart. It's quite a difficult thing for me to grasp. I feel like I always know his heart, but not quite sure that I trust it yet. Our life is quite complicated, but I think because we have made it that way and not much else.
I guess I am standing on shaky ground because I never know what to do when I get here. I am a believer, so the first person that I go to is none other than my Savior, Jesus Christ. The more I was seeking God and reading His Word, the more I feel like he has been pushing me to forgive my husband for his wrongdoing and to move forward with our marriage. It's hard, though, because my flesh tells me so many other things. My flesh is telling me to not open myself up to that anymore and to close my marriage and move forward as a divorced woman. There is one thing that I am sure of...I love him. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. I am in love with him and we are married and I feel we are one. When he is not around, I feel like a part of me is missing and there's a part of me roaming around in the world that I have a craving to be with. My shaky ground is not knowing if he is 100% with me and on the same page with me.
It's a struggle. I want to make sure that I am making a decision that is based on what I hear from Christ. I want to do whatever His will is and I feel like that is to cling to my husband and to ride it out with him and all that goes along with that. One thing is for sure, this is a tough decision that has me caught completely off guard and standing on shaky ground....
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